Trips 2008

or “How I’ll enjoy living in California again during the winter”

-cross country skiing in Yosemite

-visit Olympic National Park in Washington state

-camping in Point Reyes

-going south for the USC-Cal football game

-hugging a redwood tree in Avenue of the Giants

-trekking by a lighthouse in Trindad, CA and then camping on the beach in Gold Bluffs Beach

….

Not a massive fan of electronic-ish music

But this song has been in my head the past few days. Apparently, this is the final version of this song.

Not since April

Here are two alarming things that I haven’t done since April in NYC:

-donned a vest

-ordered hot coffee

Which, says two things to me:

-winter ends way late in NYC

-It’s fall already?! WHAT THE HELL.

I wouldn’t read this post if I were you

I got into the office early today. Lying in bed, having been awake since 3 AM, made me angry starting at 7 AM so I got ready and was in my desk at work by 8. I’m not sure what possessed me but I turned on classical piano music and put my head down in my arms. And then woke up an hour later to my coworkers shaking my shoulders asking if I was all right, if maybe I shouldn’t just go home.

I am completely backwards. I don’t sleep at night. I don’t eat during the day. My stomach rumbles around 4 AM and I’m a bit too scared to go out into the kitchen. I just drink more water. And then I fall asleep at work. My heart is somewhere in CA. I’m waiting for it to catch up or I might have to go back and drag it here with me.

It’s unreal. I don’t believe that if I go back home, she won’t be there. I cannot imagine looking in her kids’ faces and thinking, Left. Motherless. Bereft. Adrift. God help me, I am fucking awful.

When I think that she is dead and gone, I feel nothing. Not an emptiness. Not a tidal wave of emotions. The obligation to be experiencing either of those emotions, yes. But beyond that, nothing. The fact that I haven’t cried once since she passed pulls all the muscles in my back and shoulders up into my brain, forming a knot of misinformed logic there, somewhere in the vast emptiness between my ears, apparently matching the same void where I should have a fucking heart but lost it somehow on the road to here– where I am, being a selfish unfeeling child in New York City.

I would gladly light myself on fire if it would bring her back somehow, if it would give her kids that opportunity. I genuinely wish someone would give me that option. Let me make up for my bullshit of the past few years by completing one ultimately incredibly substantial and meaningful task. Which is still so selfish to think. So screwed up.  

I am wrecked. I am shattered.

I like you; you like me

I received my first non-drunken adult marriage proposal today at six in the morning. I swear he wasn’t chock full of drugs or otherwise not in complete control of his faculties.

I had to say no. It seems silly to marry a man who I never dated, never kissed, never slept with, etc, Whose one ongoing relationship with me has involved attempting to decipher the mental reasoning of all the women he’s come into contact with which usually devolves into hilarious ranting and subsequent question these females’ upbringing and intelligence.

Which all hardly a marriage makes.

I guess I’m glad to have that kind of relationship with my male friends. One in which they think that I’m relatively cool and have a fairly decent head on my shoulders that they would consider knowing me for the rest of their lives. I’m just not sure why I should be governmentally and financially tied to the person though as a result.

Still I was flattered. And it was mildly romantic even. I’d been trying to sleep again after waking up from three hours’ of sleep. I gave in finally and turned on my computer and there he was, proposing.

“Wanna get married?”

And then the sun was rising, beautiful ribbons of color in a sparsely clouded sky.

True, I was sitting in bed, alone, exhausted, and ALONE. But at this point, I’ll take whatever I can get.

Child Rebel Soldier

This video is great.

CRS is a collaboration with Kanye West, Pharrell, and Lupe Fiasco.