You are currently browsing the daily archive for September 10th, 2008.
See title of this post.
Hear this:
[banging around into the walls, kicking the doors open and closed and swinging them open again, books flying everywhere, glass crashing, and above it all, the sound of yelling:]
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY
AM I HERE AGAIN
MOTHERFUCKING why
?!?!?!?!?!??!?
I just want to tell people to shut up. All the time. I just want to slam my hands against the steering wheel or computer keyboard while screaming Shut the FUCK UP. Though that probably wouldn’t go over well.
So I just wrap my hands tighter around the steering wheel or make my hands into fists, clench my teeth, and try to smile.
Just accept things the way they are or change them. Stop complaining. Years and years and years and years of the same complaints, all the time, the same growing bitterness, the feeling that no one is listening because nothing is changing about the thing that YOU don’t like. Well. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
Stick YOUR own damn hand in the pot or accept the pot as it is.
STOP BITCHING TO ME about it.
::long sigh::
In other news, Obama and McCain are set to be at a ServiceNation event at Columbia University. THE ONE TIME that this school has proved REMOTELY useful to me, I’m not even in town. AT THE FIRST EVENT THE TWO WILL BE AT SINCE BECOMING OFFICIAL CANDIDATES for this circus of an election. My 2008 luck is awful. First no medical school… obviously by choice but my parents have such an intense [negative] opinion on the matter that who knows that come June 2009, I won’t be sitting on the AMCAS website with a knife [in the form of filial obligation] to my throat, applying to every Ivy League and UC medical school under the sun.
Wish me luck. 2009 looks like it will blow as well.
I don’t feel that she’s gone but maybe this is because I’m not acutely aware that she’s always present.
I wanted to call someone. I didn’t know who. I called my sister back and she, of course, was the most appropriate choice. We did it backwards. We went straight to the heart of it and then veered outwards to idle chit chat.
I don’t know what to say.
I told DD today that I wasn’t sure I could specialize in oncology. When the whole point of my going into health care was to take care of everyone, I don’t know that I really could. Logistically or emotionally. He suggested dermatology instead. I dunno that I could go that superficial. But maybe neonatal or emergency medicine. Something. Anything.
I didn’t have the heart to call DJ and tell him about her death with his father’s death so close at hand.
Last night, after returning from dinner. I asked DJ’s dad how he was. He is laughing and says, “Well, I’m still breathing.” And I am the only other person laughing with him. His son and daughter look on in horror; his wife grips the kitchen counter. I may very well know why he jokes that way but why do I? Am I heartless? Am I just socially inept? Do I understand something he does that his family doesn’t just because I work in cancer? Is it just that I would like to believe that?
At any rate, when DJ asked about my aunt, I said nothing. I felt like calling DD back and telling him instead. I’m not sure anymore.
I asked how my mother was and she said fine. My dad said she was fine.
I recall how my aunt was when I last saw her. The way her son rubbed her head, looked kindly into her face. Boldly, bravely. I am so glad I went. Even if it was difficult to see her that way. I am still so glad.
My dad asked if I believed in souls. I said yes. He accepted that though we are the same way–we want the proof, an article, a study. We talked about that study they did in which they weighed people’s bodies immediately before and after death. I believe in souls because I think that that is the dividing line between good and bad people. Some people have bigger souls than others. I believe in heaven because I want to think that I’ll see people again.
I told her last time, “I’m going now. I’ll see you later.” Her eyelids fluttered a bit.
Death is sad, sure. But it’s also a relief.
She’s not suffering anymore, so I’m not either.
