You are currently browsing the daily archive for September 9th, 2008.
In an effort to get the ball rolling [preferably away from my bullshit], and after being called a tease, I have been applying to jobs at UCSF. Carelessly, perhaps. And likely to jobs I won’t even like much. But I’m making that effort.
I know what will happen when I go back to NY, when I’m in my beautiful room with all of my things around me, asking to be put into boxes and mailed back to CA, when I’m faced with the task I’ve been telling people I’d complete for months now. I will want to lie down and forget the whole idea, beg off the commitment to return home. All this work could be avoided if I just started really job searching in NY.
But no, I will follow through. I have a feeling I’d lose the patience of a lot of my friends if I didn’t either.
So, here I am and here I will continue for the next hour or so, applying to jobs in the bay area VERY INDISCRIMINATELY.
Don’t say I didn’t try. I have ten emailed confirmations for submitted applications that say otherwise right now, and it isn’t even yet 10 AM.
I discussed this with my friend and we agree that a person doesn’t have to be completely in love to be in a good marriage, and to get married in the first place.
This maturing process is apparently taking me a long time. Up until a few days ago, I still held onto childhood dreams of being rapturously in love with whomever I would someday marry, if I were to ever get married. This idea alone was what was staving me off marriage before. I just kept thinking to myself, I’m not the kind of person to be head over heels in love all the time so I just won’t get married, likely. [This line of thinking was disregarding the fact that I'm a fairly difficult person and probably won't find myself in a position to turn down legitimate proposals any time soon.]
Regardless, I find myself content now. Satisfied. Comfortable. Despite the upheaval of the past few days. The smiles are still easy coming. The laughter unforced.
This I could do. Perhaps.
It’s hard to give up on a dream. Even if I had it a decade ago and stopped fanning the flames of its realization for nearly just as long.
